Sirius Black's Journal
by Dumbledore'sDelight
Summary: Sirius Black has just been thrown into Azkaban. What better way to keep his sanity than to keep a journal? And here it is, presented to you by the wailing weirdos of cell 13! Enjoy and please review!
1. The First Few Days

_Disclaimer: We don't own anything from the Harry Potter universe. We are not J.K. Rowling in any way, shape, or form (which should be obvious by the fact that we are a "we," now shouldn't it?), and we're relatively certain that even if we tried really, REALLY hard, we'll never be able to transfigure ourselves into her. Obviously we're not trying to take credit.

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**Sirius Black's Journal**

Day one,

This is a joke right??? This can't be real, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh my god they're back, back, back you fiend. (Chucks rocks at the dementors, they laugh.) I didn't know they could do that. What am I saying?!?! Oh no it's starting. I'm going crazy. Wait I already was nuts. What happens to lunatics who have their sanity removed? Guess I'll find out. SHIT, this sucks.

Day two.

(Pacing.) _One bottle of beer on the wall, one bottle of beer. Take one down pass it around, no more beer. _Crap, I could use a beer. One more time! _457289621.4 bottles of beer on the wall..._

Day 3

They don't like my singing. After about two hundred and forty bottles of beer prisoners started throwing rocks. Who would think that people this hard up for entertainment would this picky?! What do they expect? It's not like their going to put the Eagles in Azkaban, (although it would be interesting). _Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away_… (clunk). Hey knock it off already! Damn, you people have no taste.

Day 4

Ok so this sucks, but at least I'm not next to the wailing weirdoes in cell 13, lucky number 13. (grins maniacally.) The idiots do nothing but shriek about their fucking mommy. What's that they always say in war movies? "YOU DON'T GOT NO MAMA HERE BOY!!!" while smoking some ridiculous cigar. Man I could use a cigar. Not only would it satisfy this irritating craving to indulge in something, but it would put me years closer to death. Ah lung cancer, what bliss. Anyway back to the bawling babies. You think they would shut up about it, I mean they actually committed a crime. I didn't even get to do any cool illegal stuff before I got in here. But if they don't SHUT UP!!! I'm going to earn my cell and kill them ALL!!!! I'll work on my aim till I can effectively bludgeon them to death with rocks. The dementors will love it. Time to get some ammo. _OH MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB LITTLE LAMB_… Ow! They're getting better. Oooo that was a big one, look out cell 13.

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_Author's note: It's BACK! Sirius' journal. Except this time, we'd like to point out that this story contains no "non-story elements" except these little disclaimers and author's notes, which we were told we're allowed to do. This IS a story. It IS fiction. It IS a narrative. And we're even trying to make it grammatically correct. No script stuff… and it's rated properly. So, please don't pull it this time! Thanks! By the way, it's also short. We make no apologies. Please review._


	2. Round Two!

**Sirius Black's Journal**

_**Disclaimer: We still don't own rights to any of this, although if you have any ideas of how we could do so…

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Day 5

They're still whimpering over there in cell 13. I can't take much more of this. They always used to say that a person couldn't keep his sanity in this place for more than a few days. We always assumed it was because of the dementors, but now I know the truth. NO ONE CAN KEEP THEIR SANITY WITH ALL OF THIS SHRIEKING!!! The dementors don't even have to do anything… They just sit around and wait for another of us to go whacko and start wailing. WELL, I WON'T DO IT, I TELL YOU!!! I WON'T SHRIEK AND WAIL!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!! …uh-oh… I wonder if my screaming right now counts as shrieking and wailing…

Day 6

Okay, I'm turning over a new leaf. I won't scream anymore. I'll get my frustrations out by singing, throwing rocks and killing rats. (grins maniacally). Heh, heh, heh… those rats are SO dead. And I've taken to naming them, too… There's Peter 1, Peter 2, Peter 3, Peter 4…

Day 7

(Rocking in cell, mumbling to self). Why do they all keep circling around me like that? Why? Why? (Dementors keep pacing by his cell). I mean, I know they think I'm a crazed psycho killer who murdered 12 innocent muggles and supposedly had to do with the deaths of three of my friends and almost their son as well, but you'd think the DEMENTORS would LIKE me for that. DIDN'T YOU GUYS WORK FOR VOLDEMORT BEFORE, ANYWAY? I THOUGHT YOU ALL _LIKED_ MURDER AND MAYHAM!!! Oh wait… I promised not to scream. Shit, there's one resolution down. (Keeps rocking in cell, mumbling).

Day 8

(Sitting in cross-legged yoga position). Okay, I'm going to relax my mind. Relax… Find you inner self… Relax… Find your inner… SHUT UP IN CELL 13! I'M TRYING TO RELAX AND FIND MY INNER SELF!!! Crap, you think they could cool it for five seconds. I think they whine in their sleep! Anyway, relax… Think, what would Remus do in this situation? Remus, what would you do? You were always the calm one. You would probably be telling me right now that things will be okay. They'll realize that I need a trial… They'll let me go soon. You'd be so calm about it all. In fact… Uh… Wait a minute (Gets up and looks out barred window. Sits back down in yoga position). Never mind. Full moon, you'd be tearing the jugulars out of cell 13. So much for calm… Hey, Remus… wait a minute… you haven't visited me yet… (Sulks).

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_Author's note: It's still short. It's still stupid. We still don't care. But feel free to review!_


	3. The Demented Children Arc

**Sirius Black's Journal**

**Disclaimer:**_ Considering the fact that we live in Azkaban, with the trained cockroaches, do you 1. really think we own Harry Potter? And 2. honestly think it is worth the time, energy and legal fees of suing us._

_Oh yes… we don't own Tiny Tim, either… (The real question is… what's he doing in Azkaban?)_

_On that happy note: Please enjoy the "The Demented Children" arc…?_

Day 9

Tomorrow is bring your child to work day... It's disturbing to think about dementors having children...but hey why not? You know they can do all the things other children do, go to the playground, zoo, the ice cream store... Although they are going there to suck the will to live out of everyone there, but hey. Man, I guess even dementors get horny sometimes. AHHHHHHHH BAD MENTAL IMAGE! OUCH! OW! SORRY BRAIN! OHHHHHHHHHHH! Hey, I wonder if the female eats the male or something afterwards? Ok that's a more pleasant picture.

Day 10

Although I remain disturbed after seeing Dementor children today, I must admit they are almost cute. It almost makes you see the human and decent side of the hideous creatures till they discovered that pulling on Uncle Sirius's tail made lots of fun noises (most of which young children should never hear. Thank God they don't speak dog). Isn't it enough that I am starved, frozen, exiled, and driven slowly insane by these idiots, (who still owe me a trial, thank you very much) but now I have to be physically abused by their kids! whining laugh down the hall Oh shut up 13! I hope those kids eat you!

Day 11

Ok, I am beginning to think that maybe no one is coming for me. Maybe no one cares. I mean I know I didn't do anything wrong, but they don't know that. OH MY GOD! Maybe what they think I've done is too terrible for me to be given the chance to say I DIDN'T DO IT! Shitshitshitshitshitshit...Peter when I get my hands (or paws) on you I'll ... I'll... well it won't be good whatever it is so HA!

_Authors note:_

_Sirius Says:_

_Eat all your vegetables or mommy and daddy will send you to Azkaban! Bye for now! pats Tiny Tim on the head._

_Please feel free to flame. All flames will be used by us at one point or another with no credit given to the original author. We'd thank you. But you won't appreciate it. And since you don't like our writing anyway, what are you doing reading Chapter Three?_

_Stay tuned for Chapter 4: The Winter Arc. Sirius meets… dum dum dum …snow._


	4. The Winter Arc

**Sirius Black's Journal  
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**Day 12**

It snowed today. I think it was the first snow, mostly slushy and yucky, but still snow. I love winter. It was kind of pretty, and I was almost enjoying myself until those dementors came by, and I had to remember the time I was buried alive in a snow tunnel and almost died. That sucked. I hate it the way those guys ruin everything...

**Day 13**

I realized today that snow is bad. My window is only bars and open air, and they only gave me these cheap gray prison robes to wear. I spent most o the night freezing in my cell. It wasn't good. I didn't think this place could get any worse, but apparently it can. And the dementors won't spring for heat either. They don't seem to feel temperature shifts. So, assuming I keep what little sanity I have intact all year, I'll probably still die of exposure before spring. I hate winter.

**Day 14**

I've come to the determination that I'm definitely not getting a trial, so I've given up hoping for it. I think Barty's trying to save money by dumping me off here. WELL, I HAVE RIGHTS, YOU KNOW! Not that anyone here even cares... Anyway, I've decided to start counting my blessings to make me feel better. First, there's the fact that I am still alive... well, actually, I'm not sure if that's good or not. Scratch that one. Um... I'm still sane... well, sort of... okay, so that doesn't count, because I don't know if I was totally sane to begin with. Scratch that one, too. There has to be something... Oh, I have one. No mirrors here. So in fifty years, when I'm STILL in here, and I'm an old, decrepit mess who can't even remember his own name. I won't have to look at myself in the mirror and think of my lost youth... That is a good thought.

**Day 15**

Water drips in my cell, so I have puddles. I got a look at myself today. This isn't fair. I've only been in here for a couple of weeks, and I look like shit. In fact, I look twice my age. This sucks. Scratch that one from my list of blessings, too. I don't think I have any to count. Grrrr...

**Day 16**

We had a blizzard yesterday. A bunch of snow fell into my cell. I threw snowballs at cell 13, and knocked one of them out. I made a snowman, too. It's short and kind of fat. Looked a little like Peter. Pieces of it are now allover the cell. I may like snow after all.

**Day 17**

I DO LIKE SNOW. I LOVE SNOW! I learned something important today. Dementors can't see worth squat! Ok now don't get too excited. I'm still locked up in my secure, yet somehow non weather proof box, but now I can throw things at them, too. I'm thinking of starting an alliance between my cell and the others. A sort of point system: 10 points in the back, 20 in the front, double your score ifyou hit them in the head. I love it! Right now I'm ahead by forty points. Time to go make ice balls... heheheheheh.

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_Author's Note: There you have it. The Winter Arc. Now, wasn't that worth the wait? (glares) Yeah, whatever. Anyway, hopefully you hated it enough to send some flames this way. It's winter here in Azkaban, and it's bloody cold. Flames would help..._

_Keep your eyes open for the next chapter... it'll come eventually..._

_Over and out!_


	5. Why Depression Isn't Fun

**Sirius Black's Journal**

Day 18

Today was hard. I remembered... They tell you not to remember your life outside... it just gives them more to feed on. Today I feel like I would do almost anything for someone to touch me, just for a moment, for someone to put a hand on my shoulder and tell me it's going to be ok...just to pretend for a moment that James and Lily are alive, that I ate Peter for breakfast, and that Lupin doesn't hate me. You know I think that's the worst, knowing that you are out there Remus, and that you won't come help me. Maybe I'm beyond help now, maybe you know that, you always were the smart one… You wouldn't have let any of this happen, wouldn't have trusted Peter, wouldn't have run away, and wouldn't have let them die… You're right Remus. You should hate me, I know I'll always hate myself for what I did.

Day 19

Auughhhh… I don't know how much longer I can take this. I spent most of yesterday curled up in my cell crying. And that's saying something, because I don't cry for anything… well, that's not true. I've cried once in my life before. When James and Lily died. Oh God… (shudders). The dementors have started congregating around my cell. I don't even know why they bother. I've been torturing myself so much since yesterday that I don't even need them to become depressed. Because something occurred to me the other day. I've been spending all of this time hating Peter for what he did and I missed the most obvious thing. _It's all my fault_. James and Lily are dead because of _me_. Sure, Peter played his part, but how could I not have seen that he would? I was blinded by… I don't know… stupidity? Cockiness? Probably a little of both… I killed them. I betrayed them. I'm as bad as Peter… No, I'm worse, because Peter never would have managed it without me and my big mouth. I've lost everything that's ever mattered to me. And I don't mean my family or money. Money is replaceable and my family isn't worth much… but the other Marauders… I couldn't care less about Peter now, but James and Lily are gone and nothing will bring them back… And Remus… of course he won't see me. Why would he visit his friends' murderer? I wish I could die…

Day 20

I don't know why I'm even bothering writing this, but I am. A worse thought crossed my mind today. It was because of a nightmare I had last night, actually. I dreamed that I was at Godric's Hollow having dinner with James and Lily. It was all going great until Peter showed up. I got all angry and stood up, calling him a murderer. Then I remembered and turned back to James and Lily. They were fading. Lily was looking at me like she hated me. James kept saying, "How could you? We trusted you. Why are you calling _him_ the murderer? Look at yourself…" Then Harry began crying and I woke up. And I remembered… Oh God, how could I have forgotten…? I'd like to blame it on the stress and the trauma… I really haven't remembered a lot of that night until recently, and it's only because the dementors have been close, drawing out the bad memories from where they've been hiding in my mind. Or maybe I'm just as irresponsible as everyone thought I would be when they named me godfather. How could I have forgotten about _Harry_? Until that dream, I forgot all about him. I left him with Hagrid. I can't remember where he was taking Harry, though. I keep thinking it's to Dumbledore, but I'm worried. I can't see Dumbledore keeping him. Remus won't risk keeping him. Not with his condition. And James' family died by Voldemort's own hand. That leaves Lily's family. And James would roll over in his grave it the Dursleys ever touched one hair on his head…

Day 21

I'll keep this short, it hurts to be human and I don't think I can take it much longer. I'll curl up in a ball and turn into Padfoot and just not think about it. Thank God for that. I don't know how anyone could be here as a human all the time with out going mad. Oh wait, they DO go mad. What was I thinking? Anyway I'm hungry now, and the rats don't taste nearly as bad when I'm a dog.

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_Author's Note: Okay... so it wasn't funny. But honestly, he's in _Azkaban_. Did you expect him to keep his spirits up for long? Don't worry, though. Bouts of depression can very easily be followed by bouts of amusement... Just keeping you on your toes... Over and out from the wailing weirdos of cell 13! Stay tuned for the next chapter, when hopefully the dementors will leave Sirius alone, and he can stop moping._


	6. Keeping Oneself Entertained

**Sirius Black's Journal**

Day 22

Okay, I listed this as day 22, although that's not really accurate. I've been in dog form for quite awhile, and I'm obviously unable to write with paws. I can't remember exactly how long I've been canine. A week or two. Or maybe it was a month. I don't know. It felt so nice having dog thoughts for awhile that I didn't think I'd ever bother changing back. Dogs don't feel guilt or remorse. But being an animal all the time runs its risks, too. If you think like an animal all of the time, you're likely to stay that way. You can't think like a human anymore. I didn't want to risk that. So, here I am. Human and miserable. There's a lot of snow in my cell now. I've noticed that if I huddle on my little cot, I can stay above the worst of the snow. Especially if I stick the cot right by the bars away from the window. I've been huddled here for a couple of hours now. I miss my fur.

Day 23

I started the iceball wars again. It was fun for awhile, but most of the players have gone crazy by now, so I'm the only one who's really scoring anything. Competitive sports really aren't any fun if you're playing alone. I'm going to need a new pastime. I can't even attack the rats anymore. They're getting too smart and aren't coming to my cell. And snow angels just don't seem appropriate here. Maybe I can chisel my way out of jail using my spoon. Hey, why not? It works in books…

Day 24

My spoon broke. Not only did that kill my escape attempt, but now eating the slop they call food is going to be even more of a challenge. I may have to eat in dog form from now on.

Day 25

Some excitement today. Another prisoner was brought in. He was wailing almost as bad as the freaks in cell 13. Crying for his mommy, too. This gets really irritating. I never cried for _my_ mom when I came in here. Of course, she really wouldn't have been much comfort, come to think of it. Anyway, here's the interesting thing. Guess who the new prisoner was? Crouch's son, Barty Jr. He sent his own son to jail. If I ever had a hope of him seeing the light and letting me go, it's gone now. I'd almost feel bad for the kid, except that I'm pretty sure he's a real death eater. Wonder how long he'll last…

Day 26

I figure that if you don't have something to hold on to in this place, then you will surely go mad... Everyone always say that the innocent last longer because they know they don't deserve this... Well first of all I doubt very much that I qualify as innocent in this or any other situation. Second, knowing you don't belong somewhere like this doesn't do a thing. You are still here with the whiners in cell 13 and the soul sucking dementors... and your best friends in the world were all either dead or hated you... No it isn't the thought of being innocent that gets you through the dark days here... it's having a promise to keep to someone out there.

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_Author's note: Look! Less depressing... And we didn't take six months to update with only three days. We're getting better... (We'd like to credit that to the fact that the demetors have been leaving us alone lately...) Anyway, keep your eyes open for our next round of insanity. Bye bye!_  



	7. A Tale of One Very Bored Man

**Sirius Black's Journal**

Day 27

I feel the need to clear up a small misconception at this point. I do NOT have to eat rats! In fact there is a wonderful buffet of things I could crunch on in here, worms, snakes, a variety of biting insects, and believe it or not, I could eat the foods they serve us here. Yes ladies and gentlemen to prove that the wizarding society is not barbaric, we will feed our prisoners well, we even have a fucking tea on Sundays (I think it's Sunday anyway) after all, sucking our souls out slowly for the rest of our lives is one thing, but to not have tea at least once a week, well that's just cruel and unusual. NO, I don't have to rip the heads off those scruffy little beasts and chew them toughly (24 times a bite) I choose to, I relish it, yep that's me Sirius Black, the heartless killer of rats.

Day 28

Man this sucks! Today I had a great thought, why don't they just let me out long enough to really kill Peter? While I would still disagree that it was truly a crime, I would at least have the satisfaction of knowing I really did do something. Plus then I wouldn't have to worry about Harry, I could go comfortably mad like all the other prisoners here. Did I mention this sucks?

Day 29

I FOUND HIM! That little rat, well actually he's more a big rat, but needless to say I found out where the shifty-eyed fiend is hiding. He's a pet! Hahahaha! A little boy's precious pet (I hope they didn't pay too much for him) I heard the minister ask Arthur Weasley (who won't look at me) how Percy liked his new rat. He said they got along quite well and you'd never know it was missing a toe. Now you ask how I can be sure it's Peter. Well go on ask me… fine be that way but I'm still going to tell you, so ha! It's his smell; anyone who had touched Peter in the last ten days would leave a smell pungent enough for me. I found Peter! I found Peter! Well, you could at least pretend to care. Fine, I'm going to talk to the other walls then.

Day 30

I have been contemplating various ways I could kill Peter. Not that this is anything new. I've been thinking about that since I showed up at Godric's Hollow, but now that I know where Peter is, I can pretend it's worthwhile. It has occurred to me that killing the little beast could be more difficult than I'd originally considered. I keep forgetting about the fact that they broke my wand. So, I'd have to kill like a muggle. Now how the hell do muggles kill? Man, I really regret having told my old Muggle Studies professor that I'd never be able to use anything she taught me in the real world. If I'd have paid attention to even one of those stupid muggle wars, I'd have an idea of what to do. All I can really remember is something about bows and arrows. But without magic, doesn't that mean I'd actually have to be able to aim it? Last time I played with one of those things, I almost shot Regulus. (I swear it was an accident! He voluntarily put that apple on his head and had me tie him to the tree!) Anyway… I'll have to work something out… Oh, yeah. And there's still that little problem that I'm stuck in here…

Day 31

Not much to say. Barty Jr. died. I watched the funeral from my window. I tried to feel sad, but I never liked the slimy git. Reminded me too much of Lucius with even less personality (sad to think that's possible). I heard him crying a couple of nights ago. Man, what a wimp. Sounded like a girl. Anyway, they buried him outside. I'm surprised they didn't just throw him into the water. Seems like people die daily here. This place must be one big cemetery. I wonder why I never see any ghosts.

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_Author's Note: Well, here you go. Another chapter. Why you bother reading this is beyond us, but since you seem to like torturing yourself with this fiction, we request that you at least drop us a review. It's hard work getting these trained cockroaches to sneak this journal out bit by bit, type it onto the computer and even occasionally edit it. (Although this chapter may be poorly edited... the only cockroach smart enough to spell died unexpectedly when the exterminators came through Azkaban last week.) Anyway, this hard work could, we hope, at least earn us a few reviews now and then. So thanks in advance._

_ The next chapter will come as soon as we train a new editor..._

_Until then! _


	8. It's Christmas Time in the Prison

**Sirius Black's Journal**

Day 32

New inmates! Get this… mildy insane giggle It's my cousin Bella and her idiot husband, what's-his-name. Rudolph or something… No, wait… I think that's a reindeer. Well, something like that. Anyway, THEY GOT CAUGHT! Yes! This is great. I can't wait to rub it in her face that she got CAUGHT. I'm not sure which cell they're in right now. I was so happy when I saw her in shackles that I started singing, and the freak from cell 8 knocked me out. Man, I never even saw that one coming. Especially since the guy is deaf. If he could hear me, don't you think he'd have considered it a miracle or something? Well, I'm now on surveillance trying to find Bella. Need to ridicule her. Even the dementors haven't been able to suck those thoughts out yet. Heh heh heh heh heh…

Day 33

Found Bella and Blitzen. Made a deal with the rest of the inmates that if I promised not to sing for two weeks, they'd find her. She's in cell 19. Same side as mine, near the door. How does she rate? She can actually see the dementors coming and prepare herself. I decided to send her a "Welcome to Azkaban, You Scumbag" gift. I sent it down through the network, and within minutes she was screaming. It was great. Bet she never expected me to remember her that way. Although, I don't think I contributed the fleas on that decapitated rat. Someone else down the way must not like her either. Must find out who it was.

Day 34

I got my first Christmas present ever from mother today. It was Great Aunt Gertrude's fruitcake. And seeing as how we all know that Great Aunt Gertrude took her recipe with her to the grave, I have to wonder how mother dear came by one of her fruitcakes... Come to think of it... I don't remember anything green in her cakes. It was really heavy, too. It even had a little note for me. "We're so proud of you for finally doing what's right. Sincerely Mom and Dad." I wound up chucking the cake through the bars. It hit a dementor. I wonder if they can get concussions from things like that. I hope so. Unfortunately, I didn't notice the file baked into the cake until after it broke open out of my reach. Shit. That could have been useful.

Day 35

I have just been showered with gifts this year. Seems Bella dearest wanted to thank me for the rat's head. I woke up in my cell to something green and spiky hanging from my ceiling. Unfortunately, my hopes that it was a lime-colored mace came to naught, as I quickly saw the berries. Who the hell brings mistletoe into Azkaban? But what I really don't understand is why she would have hung mistletoe in my cell. I mean... who's going to kiss me?... Oh shit! Maybe if I eat the berries quickly enough I'll die. Hey, wait. Shouldn't the person who added the fleas to my gift for her get some of this? (Secretly wonders what Bellatrix did to get them to pass the mistletoe—and how they hung it for that matter—Shudders). That's a worse thought than horny dementors. I wonder if she rips the heads off of _her_ mate? I almost feel bad for Prancer over there...

Day 36

Have sent Bella a Christmas gift of my own. I know it's a bit late. Well, okay, I'm not exactly sure even if it's still December, but there's still snow in my cell, so close enough. It was such a well thought out gift, too. Apparently Padfoot sheds quite a bit. (I've never noticed that before), so I dropped as much hair as I could and bundled it up nicely for her. Then I sent it down the line. Might not seem like much of a gift, but poor Bella is allergic to dogs. Hehehe... I can still hear her sneezing.

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_Author's Notes: Look. We aren't dead. Isn't that nice? We would like to thank our first flamer for sending us a little heat. We also figured, since you went through the trouble of flaming us, we'd respond. Mostly because we figured you probably hate this fic to have criticized it, so we figure replying might be a little annoying... Isn't that fun?_

_(laughs maniacally)_

_Anyway, in response to the comment from chapter 1 that the Beatles wrote "Yesterday," not the "Eagles." We know. We never said that the Eagles wrote yesterday, silly. We said that the Eagles would not wind up in Azkaban, and then Sirius decided to sing a random song. Is it _our_ fault that the tone-deaf whiner chose a Beatles song at that precise moment?_

_Also, as to our placing this fic in "humor" instead of "general" being that it isn't funny, merely sarcastic. Don't worry. WE think it's funny. We never said we expected anyone else to find the humor. But thanks for the insight. Maybe we'll consider putting the secondary category as "general." Maybe not. That's a lot of work..._

_(shrugs)_

_Anyway, thanks for the flame!_

_Oh, and to the reviewers. We might as well thank you as well, since we chose to ramble like the insane idiots we have become in this godforsaken hellhole we call home..._

_Thanks for reading, reviewing, flaming or whatever! _


	9. Join the Club

**Sirius Black's Journal**

Day 37

I was considering writing my memoirs down for future generations. Or at very least for when I'm old and senile and can't remember a thing. Of course, by then I'll probably be crazy, too. Anyway... my first problem is that I have nothing to write on. I was thinking the walls, but I've been using that to tally days and write this journal. Not very useful, since I don't remember to do it when I'm Padfoot, but it's better than nothing. Maybe I'll write on my prison robes. I'll just tear them into little pages, and write in dirt. Ah, I'm such a genius...

Day 38

I'm such a moron! What the hell was I thinking when I decided to tear up my prison robes? I'm freaking cold in here, and they won't even give me a new one until rationing day next week. So, now I _have_ to stay Padfoot for a week. And I can't even write in dirt on the robes, because they're so filthy it doesn't show up. I could try writing in blood, but I think loss of blood makes you colder... Maybe I can bribe the other inmates into stealing Bella's robes for me...

Day 39

I'm starting a club. It's called the "I Hate Peter" club. All my idea of course. See, it seems I'm not the only one who despises that little rat. Granted, the others in the club are mostly crazy, and all of them are Death Eaters and hate Peter for an entirely different reason (apparently they think he betrayed Voldemort! Man, are they _crazy_? He never even had the guts to pull a prank on McGonagall by himself...) But I'll just let them think whatever they like. So far the "I Hate Peter" club has ten members. I am club president. Every member gets an official membership card made from my old robe, and has to swear an oath to kill Peter if they ever see him. It's kind of fun. Mondays are meeting days, where we all sit around in our cells, introduce ourselves and talk about why we hate Peter. I, of course, lie. Then there are Wednesdays, which are rat sacrifice days. Those are extra fun. The one who comes up with the most interesting way to torture the rat gets to keep _all_ of our rats for dinner. Very tempting. Fridays are my favorites, though. That's field trip day. We can't actually leave, but we all close our eyes and pretend that we've left our cells and are going to hunt down and kill Peter. We come up with interesting hexes and give ourselves cool skills and everything. I hear muggles have something like this called a "Role Playing Game" or something. One of the Death Eaters told me all about it. Apparently he broke up one of these sessions when he was killing a wizard in an upstairs apartment. Said it sounded kind of fun. If he hadn't had to go back and report to Voldemort, he'd probably have taken the muggles up on playing for awhile. Of course, then he'd have had to kill them... Personally, I find it kind of ironic that they call their game, _Dungeons and Dragons..._ I mean, how boring is _that_? You can find both dungeons _and _dragons anywhere. Why not something exciting...? Maybe I should name _our_ game... _Torture Chambers and Traitors _maybe... Yeah... that has a nice ring to it...

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_Author's Note: It's short. As usual. Please review..._

_Bye. _


	10. The Cockroach Conspiracy

**DISCLAIMER: Yeah, yeah... we still don't own Harry Potter. Get over it already...**Day 40

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Life is just not FAIR!! How the hell are those freaks in cell 13 still as sane as I am...? Maybe they're innocent too? Pondering pondering... Nope. No way. Maybe they've always been this crazy... Yep. Much more likely. But back to the reason life is so NOT FAIR: those wailing wiredos seem to be in possession of paper and pencils... and they never offered to share, the bastards... or bitches (I'm not sure which, BUT I still hate them for it). What could they have to write that is better then what I would have to write?? Wait... what did I want to write down again??

Day 41

Ok, so I figured it out. Those nut jobs in cell 13 seem to be the ring leaders of a cockroach smuggling ring!! Wait did I just say that?! Yes I did, and NO I'm not crazy... at least I think I'm not, but if I am it's not because of this... I've seen them, the little bugs... Jerks, probably wasting that paper writing letters to there mommy... Hey! Maybe I can convince the roaches to mutiny and work for me instead... (grins evilly) Hummmm... I wonder if Padfoot can speak roach.

Day 42

Padfoot can not speak roach. Damn...

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_Author's Note: We are aware that it is short. We are also aware that we made you wait a really long time for it. Finally, we are aware that you're either going to like it anyway or probably would have hated it no matter how long it was... so we decided we don't really care._

_In fact... if you don't like it... blame the cockroaches..._


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